My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
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“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Me, flirting😏
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car