Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

any last words?