My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
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Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that