My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
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dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
This made me smile…
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans