My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
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#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
me after i passed that state trooper
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.