My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
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Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
yikes
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores