My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
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Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
LMAO
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
OH. COME. ON.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer