My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
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My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Never forget.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know