My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
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Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
nice challenge
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
eggs benadryl
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit