My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
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Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho