My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
You Might Also Like
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I love the National Park Service.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.