priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
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we’re gonna need another temp
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
opening twitter today
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler