My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
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Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I love art.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.