My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
You Might Also Like
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
when mom throws a party…
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
