My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
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I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
This guy gets it.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.