Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

When you’ve simply given up.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

absolute chaos

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?