My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
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What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.