Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.