My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…