My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
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Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.