Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

Sex so good you see dead people.

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

Dolls on drugs

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”