My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
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I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…