My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
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*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
the rocks need my help
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
all that yoga finally paid off
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia