Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.