Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.