my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
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It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.