My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
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Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.