My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
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I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.