My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
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ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.