my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
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Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Good news
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
This might be the funniest tweet ever
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”