my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
You Might Also Like
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
When driving behind a slow-poke do you ever steer your car over to the side a bit so the car behind you can see this shit’s not your fault?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Here to help
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Autocorrect is my menesis
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*