my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
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-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.