My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
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me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
