Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

Always the camel, never the toe.

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

Good morning

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall