Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.