My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
You Might Also Like
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
