My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
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As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
No chill.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
S M O L
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me