Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

My life coach traded me.

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

I unironically love this joke.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit