My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
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Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
not seeing the problem
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites