Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

#milo

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!