My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
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Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels