My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.