Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

Meeeee too!

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan