my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
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ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.