My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
dead inside
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I love twitter
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.