My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
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Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.