My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
lmao
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
i spent way too long on this
