My friends tinder conversation PLEASE βπΌπππ
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“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
The internet is full of many things
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Iβm sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but Iβve snogged patio doors.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when youβre older youβll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: donβt be silly, when Iβm older Iβll be a panda
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or aΒ stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isnβt he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
it takes so much energy
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish