My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
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Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
