My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
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Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I can’t wait!
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret