My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
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I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
this is me
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
You wish you had this many chins.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
The kid鈥檚 party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I鈥檒l never hear again
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
HELP 馃槶
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she鈥檚 got a Coke habit.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
