Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.