my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”