my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
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Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“Huge”.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.