My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
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Lmao 🤣
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*