my friends when i can’t do basic math
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I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…