Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

October already? What’s next? November????

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!