Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

they split up moments later

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*