Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

This checks out

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.