Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.