My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
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I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.