@teacup_giraffe

My friends won’t get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is “mexillent”.

My friends won’t get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is “mexillent”.

- @teacup_giraffe

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@Alfa_fox

New theory: It’s Raining Men and Let The Bodies Hit The Floor are both accounts of the same event but from wildly different perspectives.

@chuuew

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

@GrowlyGrego

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

@NourhanKheir

I believe in ten years, gifts for newly born baby would be a SIM card and a cell phone.

@bridger_w

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

@TomSchally

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

@fro_vo

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

@Wames_Jaters

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

@ankles_so_weak

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww