“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
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Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks