@_salt_n_lime

My friendship transcends political bullshit. But if you don’t like cheeseburgers, you’re dead to me.

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@DamonHunzeker

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

@mikeleffingwell

STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

@CoopSoSarc

We decided to go out for bbq tonight.

As it turns out, I’m too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.

@FormerGrunt

My ex was an absolute treasure.

By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.

@LizHackett

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

@caseytduncan

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

@lucky_300

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

@ItsAndyRyan

Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy
Me: Okey dokie, let’s-a go!
Wife: You’re doing Mario
Me: Sorry
Wife: I didn’t say stop