I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My friendship transcends political bullshit. But if you don’t like cheeseburgers, you’re dead to me.
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A flock of dads is called a grill.
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
We decided to go out for bbq tonight.
As it turns out, I’m too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.
My ex was an absolute treasure.
By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..
That’s how the fight started
Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy
Me: Okey dokie, let’s-a go!
Wife: You’re doing Mario
Wife: I didn’t say stop