My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
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Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Fries, not lies.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory