My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
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Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.